Two Simple Steps To Let Go of Stuff That's Hurting Your Progress

Are you afraid to leave a situation even though it’s hurting you? People, including you, like to control their situations by hanging on to what they know because the unknown is scary. That makes sense.

How can you get around this?

I had a friend that couldn't get over a 5 year old breakup.  Tears would well up when she talked about the woman, which was often.  Even though she had dated other people, she was still emotionally engaged with the ghost of her relationship.  She re-lived memories like it happened last week.  If she happened to talk to her ex by text, it took her days to get over it.

I listened a lot because I knew where she was coming from, but I started to wonder how could I help her, me and other people in similar situations.

There are many reasons why we hang on to dead things.  

Sometimes it’s because we don’t think we'll ever get another chance for a good job, friend, lover, husband….never, ever again.  Scary stuff never, ever again.   Whatever your reason is for not letting go, it’s keeping you from getting new, better, and healthier stuff.

It’s the new story that you don’t know that scares the crap out you, which intensifies the fear of letting go and ultimately hampering the grieving process.

What if you could leverage some control over the grieving process?  

My friend kept perserverating on this issue until it made her sick, literally.  She piled on the misery by comforting herself with old memories and what-ifs. One day in exasperation, I tried out a Jesus number on her.  “Do you want to be well or do you want to be sick?”  

Here are the options I gave her to play with.  

You can:

• be sad, lonely and sick,
• be sad because you kind of let go, hoping it will get better, or
• be sad with a plan so you can get happy.

She chose the last option.  

Try these two simple steps.  Tailor them to fit your situation. (I can help you with that.)

Step 1.  Acknowledge what that person, thing or experience meant to you out loud.  Say thank you for what you gained and then say goodbye.  You can make it as an elaborate ceremony as you need to, depending on the strength of the attachment.

The benefit of this step is that you are actively appreciating that IT has served its purpose and are freeing yourself to move on.

Step 2. Put your grieving process on a schedule.  Choose a sad memory or a sad song for your trigger. At a set time, play the memory/song over and over until you feel like crying.  Cry for as long as you can until the crying stops on its own.  Do this every day at a specific time for a set amount of time.  

This gives you control and yet forces you to face your feelings simultaneously.  Mornings seem to work best.
You will be more successful if the steps are done consistently for some weeks.  Each week it will get better until one day you will notice that the memory/song has stopped working and you won’t be able to cry anymore. The pain will be gone but the memories will remain.  You will have officially moved on.